If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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