I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
