I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
