I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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