coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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