I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
