Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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