I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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