in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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