she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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