I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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