my phone needs a breathalizer
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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