I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
