Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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