Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
