I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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