I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
