The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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