God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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