he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
