I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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