He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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