R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
