Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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