We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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