Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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