Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
