thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
