You made me cry and you don't even care
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
