well I can't set my house on fire every night
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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