I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
