2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize