you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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