You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
