I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
