He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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