Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
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If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
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yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The air taste purple.
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