just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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