I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
