Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
