My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You ruined the universe
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
