so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
