Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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