he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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