I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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