He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.