im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions