Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.