I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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