my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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