she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
