I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
