You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
