1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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