I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
