Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
