I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
