oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
