Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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