so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
