the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I could make wine with my vomit
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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