FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
