She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
